Forming an identity isn’t easy. One needs to have a certain level of readiness and awareness to develop it. I faced similar issues when I began the journey in search of myself.
Who am I?
Was I the content and peace-seeking person who found satisfaction in smallest of things? Or was I the person carved by my mother who wanted me to be an all-rounder just like her? My adolescence was mostly spent in accumulating what I was told.
But, I was different. I never desired to ace everything. I envisioned myself to be happy, peaceful, and content with whatever I have. Yet, I was trained to do everything and never settle for one thing.
The younger version of me still remembers the rebuke, taunts, and expectations to constantly deal with household things. Being in early teens, I wanted to hop, skip, jump, and dance all along and not get entangled in the household work that was taught to me when I wasn’t ready to learn it.
At the time of exploring my identity, I was forced to become “independent”, not really given a choice to understand what I would like to be. It was too fast-paced and demanding for me to understand and digest what I wanted, needed or desired. A directed and forced process is how I can best describe the experience.
As explained by James Marcia, I faced identity diffusion & identity foreclosure. To begin with, I didn’t know I had choices. Eventually, there was a part of me that curiously started asking questions, I began to half-heartedly accept some roles while secretly despising others, which were forced on me. These stages were difficult to fight. But I am glad that life threw me a chance in form of my college.
I still shudder, thinking of what would have happened if I hadn’t found my college! It was a place where I explored my inner self, my dreams, inspiration, ideas, likes, and dislikes!
Yet, I hadn’t formed my identity. The exploration caused a push and pull between the part that wanted to settle down and the part that was dynamic enough to want to explore and experience more in order to want to add something to who I am.
I have been a curious person by nature. This trait of mine made me search for new ideas and studies to learn and thus satisfied my curious craving. But, I also have a trait in me that makes me feel content with what I have, who I am and be at peace with what I am. I achieve contentment and peace easily. I do learn new things but I am also happy with whatever it is that I have with me. These two opposite traits confused me, I felt conflicted with it and it made me sick. I could not understand what part of it was truly ME: what to accept and what to discard.
Questions such as, “When you have learned so many things, why don’t you earn well? Why don’t you pursue your art of writing, tarot, and psychology together? Why do you want to leave any one of them?, Or why can’t you manage your household with all those learnings you have had till now?” haunted me day and night. While I dealt with such demands, my calm self would go for a toss. So then, again, the process would repeat.
I felt choked and suffocated as if someone had locked me up with two demons inside of me. Even as I write this, I feel the intense sense of discomfort in my entire body. With the passing of time, exhaustion started taking over and eventually, I wasn’t able to keep up with the expectations in any of the areas, as every area demanded proper attention. I failed!
It was a blow to my confidence and self-esteem. I wasn’t able to digest this reality. It took many years of cutting off pieces of myself, guidance from therapy, and developing a new vision that helped me to see my reality.
My identity has both, the content side as well as a curious and dynamic component to it, which is to say that I am a content person sometimes who is also curious in nature. I live to learn and to enjoy the peace I get out of learning. Some of my skills took a backseat, which I no longer needed. I gave away the household work that no longer needed my attention. I overcame the taunts and rebukes that had made a home in my heart. It didn’t happen easily. Gradually, I made peace with my opposite sides by listening and understanding their needs and trying to fulfill them one at a time; I felt connected to my inner self. I felt alive and rejuvenated. Lastly, I chose freedom: freedom from my old self, which no longer needed to sacrifice herself. My present self is confident enough to survive. Most importantly, I chose to listen to ME!
Thanks to my exploratory side; I still am in the ‘identity moratorium’ phase. A process where I am continuously evolving and growing and someday will develop an identity I relate with.
From The Brewery of Life 